I honestly do not remember the early days after I lost my babies. I have flashes of images that are accompanied with emotions that are seeming to fade with time. The weeks and months following losing each of my sons is all a blur of waking moments and sleep. I don't know what I was thinking or doing. I do remember the kindness that was shared with me and my husband from others, but that's really it. As time has gone on, much to my disbelief, my grief has evolved into something that is difficult to describe. The pain of losing our children is still hard, but seems distant. Perhaps it's my mind protecting me from the intense feelings that are partnered with remembering - maybe my grief is truly transforming. Oh, how it seems like another lifetime. I've detached enough that my days are easier but I am constantly feeling pulled back to their memory.
I go between guilt and feeling as if I am betraying my first two children - and living this blissfully happy time with my rainbow. Each new experience that I have with Nora, I am reminded that I will never have these moments with the boys. That this time was taken from Logan and Marek. I smile and am present and, more often, I am living in the moment and truly soaking in all the new adventures. Only when Nora is in bed do I sit back and reflect. Now that I am able to act out my maternal urges, losing the boys has become less about my stolen motherhood and more about the two little people that will never grow up. Never laugh and smile and be a part of this loud and chaotic household. Slowly my perspective changes and I see a new angle of grief that I couldn't comprehend before. I am trying to master this new balancing act in my heart. Holding true to the memory of my first two children but still being present and the best mother I can be to my daughter. I would say I am having more happy days than sad, but the month is October. October to January has been a rough time the last few years. It's the time frame that I have been pregnant with all my children. These months are laced with memories that are forever attached to the season, smell, holidays, weather- just everything. This is a new season of grief. An albeit confusing one. I feel my life pulling me forward. Yet, I know a piece of me will forever be left in those hospital rooms. My daughter has awoken a part of me that I thought was gone. I will never be whole. It is not her job to complete me. But, I am so grateful that she was sent to me by Logan and Marek to bring comfort and purpose back into my life. During this month of October, there are many noteworthy causes. Pregnancy and Infant Loss is one I will forever hold close to my heart. On the 15th, there will be an International Wave of Light. I will light a candle in memory of my babies and for all the children that have gone too soon. I invite you to light a candle with me. Let the mothers whom have lost a child to- miscarriage, ectopic, stillbirth, infant death- let them know you are with them in remembering their children. They are not alone. You are not alone. Join me in spreading love and comfort. |
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