It's Thanksgiving. A day that is filled with love and family. Food and giving thanks for all that we have in our lives. But, today I am reminded of what I do not have. I do not have two mischievous boys gaping at the Macy's Day parade and exclaiming at the big floating cartoon characters. I don't have two boys watching the dog show and trying to (successfully) convince me we need more pups for Christmas. I don't have the laughter and tears of fights and making up while playing. I don't have two brothers terrorizing their sister and then smothering her with kisses. I don't have two boys sneaking bites and begging for food then sitting at the table and snubbing their nose at half of what is offered (mainly veggies because, I mean look who their is father) but magically finding room for pumpkin pie. There's alot I don't have. So, I am changing my perspective. I am thankful for two sons. Two beautiful boys. Taken too soon, but who were here, nonetheless. I am thankful for the time I carried them. I am thankful that they only new love and warmth. I am thankful for our birthing teams, from all 3 of my babies. They carried me through the happiest and saddest moments of my life. I'm especially thankful for my TAC surgeon, Dr James Sumners, for giving me the procedure that then saved my daughter's life. I am grateful for my faith and knowing that my children are waiting for me patiently in heaven where they know no pain. I am eternally grateful for the few photos and items I have to remember them by. I am grateful for being able to hold their small bodies close to mine and the time I had to just stare into their perfect small faces. I am grateful for my husband for being the father they needed and the support that helped carry me through. I am grateful for our families who still celebrate and remember our children and remind us that they are forever a part of our family no matter how much time passes. I am grateful for our friends that take the time to speak our children's' names and not rush my grief (hint: the mourning never ends, it just becomes a new normal). I am grateful for my online grief support- the Turning Hearts Mommas. The #sadmomsociety, as we darkly refer to ourselves. This group of Mommas is spread throughout the world and has been everything I didn't know I needed on this journey of being a mother with empty arms. They've lifted me up and carried me through on my darkest days. I am grateful for our rainbow. She truly was sent special just to us. Even as I write this I hear her laying in her crib awake and singing. She does not know the pain that is forever stamped on our hearts but her happiness and joy and smile brings me out of the fog when I don't even recognize I am slipping. Holidays are stark reminders of what I am missing. Of what should be, but what is not. I am a loss mom- I am still sad, I always will be. My heart will forever ache for that bossy older brother and that wavy-haired strawberry-blonde boy who should be fighting over turkey legs. But, I am so incredibly thankful that I am their mother. That I will always be. That they were here. That I will see them again. I am grateful for who I am now because of them. Even if I could go back and knew the outcomes I would do it all again. Every time; because I am thankful for all children and the mother that they made me. Happy Thanksgiving. Even if your heart is heavy. Let the tears fall and the smile pull through. Whether it's been 5 months or 20 years, I remember your babies and I am thankful that they were here. That they were born. Share with a Momma who is missing their little. I see you. What are you most thankful for this Thanksgiving? |
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