entire time I was in pre-term labor. What was obviously apparent to everyone was not to me and only after I delivered my son, too small to survive, did the reality of the day set in. My worst case scenario happened. I was determined to push any negative thoughts out as I sat in my anatomy scan for my second son, Marek. The doctors were certain I would begin labor in a matter of hours and offered me termination. I asked, "Is his heart still beating?" to which they responded, "Yes, it is. But, it is very dangerous to continue to carry. The risk of infection is too high". I blocked out all the catastrophic thoughts. This time was going to be different. I was hospitalized and continued to carry my son for 57 more days. The night before he passed away, I was puking and just knew something wasn't right. The toco showed nothing too worrisome and my doctor told my nurse that a few Benadryl to help me sleep is all I needed. He thought that my anxiety was too high and that is why my son's heart rate was 180-200 and why I didn't feel well. All night I laid there in pain and thinking all my catastrophic thoughts. I told my nurse in the wee hours of the morning, "I don't know what is wrong, but I know something is wrong". At which point they hooked me back up and learned I was contracting. In less than an hour I heard the words, "I am so sorry Makenna", and I knew. I knew because I am a catastrophic thinker. This scenario had already played through my head so it wasn't a matter of "if" but rather "when".
stand, she falls headlong into the hard tile and breaks her face? Horrible, graphic thoughts of my worst nightmare constantly playing out and adding to my already out of control anxiety. Catastrophic thinking for a parent after loss is like thinking that by having thoughts that you think them into being. That anything you read or feel is like deja vu and is a foreshadowing. Trust is nonexistent . When you receive good news you can't even celebrate it because you're left questioning if it's even true. How can you know something bad won't happen? How can you be certain that you have done everything? Are you sure you haven't missed something? And it's not because I don't want my daughter to be healthy. On the contrary. I want her to thrive. I want with every bone in my body for the doctor's to be right. I want that confidence. I just know that my worst thoughts have come true and I don't want to miss anything. I cannot lose another child. nbBeing a catastrophic thinker, and parenting after loss is my biggest struggle. It is a daily battle with my innermost demons and knowing what could happen, because it has happened. I know what it feels like. I know the pain and the anguish. I am well acquainted with the grief and suffering. Today, I am declaring that I am a recovering Catastrophic Thinker. I am going to trust that even though my thoughts have me in a tail spin and may always- that I am going to heed
|
about the Author:
|