Our society is obsessed with babies and pregnancy. “When are you due? How are you feeling? Are you finding out the gender? Do you have any names picked out?” It’s exciting and overwhelming. People want to know, they want to be involved and want to know every intimate detail of how the baby is growing and how you’re adjusting. So, what about when the baby dies?
No one wants to talk about baby-loss. They chalk it up to a failed pregnancy and offer a few small words that are supposed to heal the broken heart and then “try again” “you can always have more” “they’re in a better place”. I wanted that baby. It wasn’t just a pregnancy that ceased to be...it was a small person who’s heart stopped beating. It’s a two year old playing with toys in the living room. It’s the kindergartener smiling proudly at their graduation. It’s the little girl who wants to dress as a witch every year for Halloween. The young boy who would have grinned ear to ear when running the bases when he hit the ball down centerfield. The teen learning to drive- the college freshman dragging home putrid smelling laundry from the dorms. The young man who would find love. The young woman you would go on to have children and lead a fulfilling life of love and happiness. The lawyer, the doctor. The teacher, the farmer. Your loss wasn’t just a “lost pregnancy” but a person with hopes and dreams and aspirations. There’s a lifetime to mourn. That grief can’t be hastened to fit into another person’s idea of what’s acceptable. Some days are easier. Some days it hits like a ton of bricks. I am not quiet with my loss of my boys. I speak out, I use my millions of hashtags... why? Because I don’t want others to feel alone. Because loss is not a private matter. It’s not a loss that should be hushed and swept under the rug. Mourn the baby as much as you would celebrate the baby. I welcome conversation. I put hashtags on everything cause that’s how I hope to help the grieving mother to find me. A mother of loss leads a very isolated life. I want to invite them to me. I pray we can change the conversation. That people can stop letting their insecurities and feelings get in the way of another persons healing and grief. That they can leave their comfort at the door. No one wants to hear about dead babies, I get it- Lord knows I do. But, I want to speak of my children. I want to share their pictures just like I would my living children. They are a part of me. They’re not here but that does not mean my heart does not long for them and wish for them. They are not a private matter. They are my children. Don’t let others make you feel shame for wanting to share your grief, love, and photos. Let’s be the generation that helps change the narrative. Let’s be the change. |
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