That onesie wasn't gifted for you. It was hand-embroidered for Logan with love and patience.
Those pajamas weren't given with you in mind. The jammies you are snuggled so sweetly in now upstairs- they were gifted to me in the hospital by a dear friend when I was awaiting your brother, Marek. The bluebirds on them were to symbolize your brother, Logan. Now, they symbolize both your brothers. Someone came before you. In fact, two "someone's" came before you. We will always speak their names. They will forever be a part of our family. Even though all these items are brand new, they are still hand-me-downs. They are second-hand. All of these "things" are not just material goods, but rather they are the hopes and dreams unfulfilled. My heart broke when I knew your brothers would never use all that we had collected for them. Everything was packed away in boxes. Stored away to await a time for use. I couldn't bear to give away or sell any of it. I saved it all in anticipation. They have been packed away and I have prayed I could bring them out again. It seems like every day I pull something out for you, my little rainbow, that wasn't meant for you. Each item carries with it a memory of one or both of your brothers. The grey and white blanket I crocheted for Marek in the hospital. So plush, so soft- I designed it to be perfect for "tummy time". Or, when I slipped you in the all white PJ's I reminisced on how your Aunt sent them for Logan. These things weren't meant for you. But, they are yours now. You are the first to use them. The first to wear them. When I see you in action with your brothers' stuff it brings on a wave of nostalgia of dreams unrealized. Yet, it also makes me smile. I love seeing these things out of boxes and scattered around our home. Being used, being loved. So, when you see me sitting back with misty eyes in a seemingly average moment- know that I am watching and living in this moment with you. But, also my mind has wandered off to a "what if" and my heart yearns for it all. |
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